GUS THE FOX: AGONY COLUMN – Olympics Guest Post 2

God-awful bin raider Gus The Fox answers agony letters in our final Olympics installment.

Dear Gus,

I guaranteed a girl I could get her into Wimbledon in order to score a date with her. At the time I had a lead to get the tickets but things have gone pear-shaped and it’s a no-go. How do I break the news without losing the date? Joe

Did you mention tennis? Because you could still take her to Wimbledon. Just take her to the Chicken Cottage near the station. In fact, take her behind the Chicken Cottage because there’s a bin there that’s absolutely teaming with wasps. It’s great. If she’s anything at all like me then she’ll bloody love it. If you did mention tennis then I reckon you’ve properly f*cked it up. Hope this helps.

————————————————————————————————–

What’s the key to a good bolognese?

Aaron Callow

I’m not much of cook to be fair, Aaron. Last week I licked some fungus off the chimney of a brothel. That was my dinner. I suppose, and I’m just sort of throwing ideas out there, the key to a good bolognese would be some kind of old frog. An old frog and maybe a bit of soil? I don’t really know if I can help you out on this one. Sorry Aaron.

16 years ago I killed a squirrel with an air rifle. I never meant to hit it, I never hit anything with that damn rifle, but this time I did. I was mortified. It was just, kind of, having a fit on my lawn after it took the pellet to the gut, and I had to partake in a sort of mercy killing. I forgot all about it for a few years but suddenly it’s tearing me up again. From nowhere. Vivid nightmares and stuff. What should I do? How can I cleanse myself of wrong doing.

Pete

Chill out.

————————————————————————————————–

Gus,

I need your help. I was awoken at 3am by my weird housemate. He was stood at the end of my room, fully naked, wearing only a Margaret Thatcher mask and holding a plate of sausages. He asked if I wanted any, and then walked out. Im scared, what shall I do?

Chris Goodison

Hi Chris

He sounds quite poorly. My mate Bill Tod started acting weirdly a few weeks ago. He ate his own legs and kept telling everyone that he didn’t believe in snails, so we killed him. On the other hand he may just be sleepwalking. Martin Clunes will quite often turn up at my bin in the middle of the night, naked as the day the he was born. He’ll usually just curl up next me and fall fast asleep before waking up a few hours later in tears and running off back to his bungalow. I suppose the best thing to do, under the circumstances, would be to film it. Hope this helps.

————————————————————————————————–

Hi Gus

I recently hit and killed a pigeon with my car. I felt really guilty but I drove off and left him dead at the side of the road. I’ve been wondering what will have happened to his body? I’m hoping all his pigeon mates got together and gave him a really nice burial. Please ease my guilt by confirming this.

Cheers, Helen

Hi Helen. Firstly, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Pigeons are a right bunch of pr*cks. They’re obnoxious, spineless, thick, bullies. They smell like really old eggs, their fashion sense is abysmal, and if they’re not involved in drug smuggling then you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll be immersed in some kind of human trafficking ring.

Secondly I very much doubt that any of his mates would have the nous, let alone empathy, to give him a good send off so here’s how I think it probably went down.

Five general stages are used to describe the process of decomposition: Fresh, Bloat, Active and Advanced Decay, and Dry/Remains.

The fresh stage begins immediately after the heart stops beating. Since blood is no longer being pumped through the body it drains to the dependent portions of the body, under gravity, creating an overall bluish-purple discolouration termed livor mortis.

The bloat stage provides the first clear visual sign that microbial proliferation is underway. In this stage, anaerobic metabolism takes place, leading to the accumulation of gases.

Active decay is characterised by the period of greatest mass loss. This loss occurs as a result of both the voracious feeding of maggots and the purging of decomposition fluids into the surrounding environment.

Decomposition is largely inhibited during advanced decay due to the loss of readily available cadaveric material Insect activity is also reduced during this stage. When the carcass is located on soil, the area surrounding it will show evidence of vegetation death.

During the dry/remains stage all that remains of the cadaver is dry skin. No one will remember his name. No one will care that the t*sser ever even existed.

Hope this is of some comfort to you. Enjoy your weekend.

————————————————————————————————–

Hi Gus,

My girlfriend likes to talk dirty to me in bed, the problem is she’s just too offensive and I don’t enjoy it. I feel quite hurt by the things she says. What should I do?

Please help mate.

Chris

Why don’t you grow a pair mate? Man up. Why not try upping the ante? Bring a gun to bed or a massive, f*ck-off sword. That’ll spice things up a bit and it will show her who’s wearing the bloody trousers.


Do let us know if you would like to have more Gus the fox posts in the future.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s